Totally Random Love Hina Skits!
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Chapter 3! Woo hoo! Giant monster turtles, superheroes, weretigers getting hit in the head... Just the Love Hina cast going completely mad, much like the author who wrote this fic  R&R please!
1. 1

*** Totally Random Love Hina Skits!***  
  
Andrew Joshua Talon  
  
DISCLAIMER: Love Hina is not mine. Alas, I could use some money...  
  
******  
  
Yet again, I continue with Totally Random .... Skits! Perhaps I can turn it into a series....  
  
******  
  
Keitaro Urashima, everyone's favorite manager, was sitting calmly at the table. It was an exceptionally early morning, and thus it was rather unusual to see the nigh-invulnerable young man up and about before the sun rose. Nevertheless, here he now sat.  
  
"At last! The perfect plan! I get up SO early that no one else is awake, and take care of all my chores so I don't have to risk being punched, kicked, launched or otherwise maimed for being clumsy! Urashima, you are a genius!" Keitaro cackled like a deranged lunatic quietly, before drinking his tea and admiring the infant sunrise.  
  
However...  
  
"URASHIMA! WHAT PERVERTED PLOT ARE YOU CONTRIVING NOW?!" Keitaro sighed deeply as Sara, Seta's adopted daughter (and all-around miniture version of Naru, though significantly worse) bounded down the stairs in her "Card Captor Sakura" pajamas.  
  
But of course, Sara's demonic yell soon brought the rest of the Hinata Sou residents to the doorway of the dining room.  
  
"What did you do now, Urashima?" Asked Motoko in her classic threatening manner, unsheathing her katana. Keitaro sighed again.  
  
Why was it so hard? he thought just before the combined might of Naru, Motoko, and Sara was brought against the hapless ronin.  
  
******  
  
Shinobu was happily hanging out the laundry in the sun, when a cheerful looking young boy bounded up to her.  
  
"Hello, Shinobu-chan! I am a genie, and I will grant you any wish at all!" Shinobu's mind had been ridiculously quickly deceived. With a grin she replied,"Okay! Um... I wish Kei-kun was in love with me forever!"   
  
The boy produced a parchment and a pen and handed them to the young girl.  
  
"Just sign at the bottom!" Shinobu was about to sign the parchment when Keitaro fortunately stumbled his way to the deck. He stared in shock for a moment and let out a yelp.  
  
"AUGH! Shinobu, don't sign that paper!" Keitaro ran and snatched it out of Shinobu's shocked hands.  
  
"But... But why, Sempai?" Keitaro pointed out the extraordinarily large printing of "With the signing of this contract, Shinobu will give up her soul to have Keitaro Urashima love her for the rest of her mortal life." Shinobu sweatdropped.  
  
"Um... Sorry, I didn't see it..."   
  
"It's okay, Shinobu-chan."  
  
The boy glowered.  
  
"You shall feel the wrath of Hell, boy!" Keitaro gave him a look.  
  
"Kid, I endure that every DAY. Have a nice flight!" With a PUNT! the boy went sailing away screaming. Shinobu hugged Keitaro happily.  
  
"Oh Kei-kun, you saved me! But, how did you know that that guy was a demon?"  
  
"Well, everyone's perception of evil is different. I know for a fact that Sara would NEVER be amiable to ANYONE, so...."  
  
**************  
  
Seta is typing at his computer. Kitsune strolls in and leans against the computer from the back. It promptly falls over onto poor Seta and takes Kitsune with it.  
  
CRASH!  
  
"OUCH! Kitsune, what was THAT for?" Kitsune grinned sheepishly.  
  
"Well, I saw this American comic with a girl and a guy with a piano..."1  
  
  
  
***************  
  
  
Mutsumi and Keitaro are studying in the turtle-lady's apartment. Mutsumi smiles as she snuggles up to the ronin.  
  
"You know, Kei-kun, I know you have feelings for Naru-san and all... But in case it doesn't work out for you two, I'll always be here, okay?" Keitaro smiled and held her closely.  
  
"Mutsumi, unless I get into sadomachism, you'll always be the one for me!" Mutsumi cries happily.  
  
"Oh Kei-kun!"  
  
"Oh Mutsumi-chan!"  
  
  
  
  
  
(A/N: Yes, I know Keitaro got with Narusegawa. However, in my oh-so-humble opinion, Keitaro and Mutsumi make a MUCH better couple! Besides, getting punched into the stratosphere by a girl every hour on the hour would have to wear thin on the guy, right?)  
  
  
**************  
  
Kaolla is happily working on her latest Tama-Mecha when a rather discheveled and charbroiled Motoko enters.  
  
"Kaolla-san, did you sell any Mecha-Tamas to a sinister secret organization with aristocratic ideals?" Kaolla looked thoughtful for a moment until she happily cried,"Yes I did!"  
  
"To whom, praytell?"  
  
"A guy with a funny helmet on his head and many alliases!" Motoko bowed before staggering out the door, mumbling something about quitting this Operation Meteor business before it killed her. Kaolla merely ate some bananas and continued working on her instrument of death. 2  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**************  
  
"WOO HOO!" Cried Keitaro as he vanquished yet another opponent's starship in glorious 3-D combat. Keitaro had discovered the online gaming scene, and had quickly risen to the top of the ranks in "Star Trek: Bridge Commander", as the Honorable Ronin Captain. Shinobu and Kitsune watched as Keitaro brought his majestic and trustworthy starship, the USS Okinawanamire, Sovereign class, into a sweeping manuver. Shinobu blinked at the unusual name.  
  
"Sempai, what does "Okinawanamire" mean?" Keitaro smiled at her.  
  
"I read "Unfinished Tales of Middle Earth", by that British man J.R.R. Tolkien. Okinawanamire is Quenya (a language used by people in the book) for "Jewel of Okinawa"." Kitsune smirked in her fox-like way.  
  
"And I suppose this has nothin' to do with our resident turtle-lady, ne?" Keitaro turned a bright red, then blinked at another challenger appearing. This person had hacked a Borg Cube into the game, and called itself "Scarlet Queen".   
  
Scarlet_Queen: So, captain of Okinawanamire! We meet at last! Prepare for assimilation!  
  
Ronin_Captain: Over my dead nacelles! Engarde!  
  
The two mighty vessels engaged in battle. Keitaro had carefully trained his CGI crew and upgraded his ship through dogged effort, and coupled with the firepower of a Sovereign was formidable indeed. The Borg ship was relentless, however.  
At least ten minutes passed before the Okinawanamire came to a dead stop, plasma leaking from it nacelles and the hatch to it's warp core. The temp readings Scarlet Queen was getting indicated that the Sovereign class vessel was about to become a watery-metallic nebula. And Scarlet Queen would see to it not an impressive one either.  
  
Scarlet_Queen: Any last words before I humiliate you?  
  
Ronin_Captain: Yeah. Eat this!  
  
Federation starships were not armed with just simple phasers and torpedoes, no. At least within the realm of this game, they carried plasma mine ribbons, anti-matter spread emitters, and the ever popular tachyon pulse cannon. The Sovereign class starship, already ridiculously heavily armed in the phaser and torpedo departments, carried this ludicrousity into the other weapons. The mighty Okinawanamire fired all of her phaser banks (the most powerful ever mounted on a starship, at least in this universe) releasing enough energy to put twelve solar flares to shame, fired from all five of her torpedo launchers which filled the screen with blue and red projectiles of death, cast enough mine ribbons to make a pervert think of the microscopic aspect of human copulation, fired a huge, sustained tachyon pulse from it's insanely powerful deflector dish, and unleashed enough anti-matter spreads to declare it Christmas come early.  
  
The Scarlet Queen had foolishly lowered her sheilds to try and assimilate the "vanquished" vessel, and naturally she went up in a huge fireball as she cursed in the text box. Shinobu cheered happily as Keitaro whooped for joy again, while Kitsune rolled her eyes.  
  
"It's only a computer game, you know."  
  
"So what? It took thinking to lure that Borg bimbo to her doom! I wonder who she is..."  
  
In another part of the Hinata, Naru cursed violently at her computer while Haruka watched, idily smoking a cigarette.  
  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I must know who that Starfleet pansy is who defeated me! Who? Who?"  
  
"It's only a computer game, you know."  
  
"Oh, go suck on your cancer sticks..." 3  
  
  
  
**********  
  
Naru was sitting, reading in her room, when someone knocked at her door.   
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"It's me, Keitaro. May I come in?" Naru shrugged, then slid the door open. Keitaro walked slowly in, took a deep breath, and promptly fell to his knees in front of Naru.  
  
"PLEASE NARU, SPARE ME! I'M SORRY, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" He said, clasping his hands together in a pleading fist. Naru's jaw dropped as Keitaro put his hands on the ground before him, bowed his head and started crying.  
  
"NARU, HAVE MERCY! I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Keitaro then got to his feet, brushed off his shirt, and smiled slightly at Naru.  
  
"So, what do you think?" Naru blinked and stared at Keitaro as if his neurochemical juices had just started leaking out of his ears. Or a reasonably close analogy of madness.  
  
"Ara... Why did you do that?" Keitaro shrugged.  
  
"Well, I wanted to know which pathetic pleas were best when you get angry at me. Was number one better, or number two?"  
  
"....."  
  
  
***************  
  
  
"URASHIMA!!!" Keitaro blinked. He was playing "King Of Fighters" with Kanako in the living room when Motoko stalked across the cotton threshold, breathing flames.  
  
"Ara... Yes?" Motoko glared at him. Keitaro mentally began calculating his exact spot of touchdown after Motoko sent him once again on another mission for the Hinata Space Program when she coughed audibly.  
  
"Not you, Ronin," Motoko said gruffly, though her face aquired a rather insidious grin as she looked at Kanako,"your sister and I have some... Practicing to do." Kanako responded with a sultry grin as she leapt up and hugged Motoko around the neck. They happily ran up the stairs, leaving Keitaro to blink a few times.  
  
"... I'll never understand women," he decided, and switched over to "Zelda".  
  
  
**************  
  
"Argh, I can't believe I lost!" Groaned Shirai as he tossed his cards to the table before him in disgust.  
  
"There goes the money for the Hawaiian trip," grumbled Haitini as he too folded.  
  
"Damn, this is so unfair! She had to have cheated!" Growled Kitsune, glaring at the victor of the weekly poker game.  
  
"Myu myu myuuu myyyyuuuu (That's what all pathetic losers say. Nyah!)," meowed Tama-chan, smirking as much as a turtle can smirk as she used her flippers to bring her winnings into her shelled bosom. She carefully adjusted her gamer's visor that would have made any one watching her be declared a bona-fide Diabetic.  
  
"Myu myu myu myu myu myyyyyuuuuuuu myu! (Behold, I am poker queen Tama-chan! MWAHAHAHA!)"  
  
  
  
***************  
  
  
Kentaro Sakata came to the door of the Hinata Sou carrying a bouquet of flowers. He knocked on the door, and waited for a bit before it was answered by Shinobu.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Ah yes, Miss Shinobu! Praytell where the resident goddess of unstable-temperment might be found?" Shinobu blinked at him.  
  
"I thought Naru wasn't interested in you."  
  
"No no no! Not her! The other one!"  
  
"Motoko's with Kanako."  
  
"No, not that kendo-nut! The OTHER other one!"  
  
"... I'm fast running out of names, Mister Sakata, unless you happen to be a pedophile." Kentaro groaned.  
  
"No, you sick-minded girl! I MEANT Haruka-san!" Shinobu gaped at him.  
  
"You're kidding, aren't you?" Shinobu asked in her usual timid vocalization. Kentaro sighed dreamily.  
  
"I always prefered older women, you know. To my destiny!" Kentaro marched into the house. Shinobu blinked.  
  
"... I know Keitaro DEFINITELY won't like an 'Uncle Kentaro' in the family..."  
  
  
  
*************  
  
"At last," murmured Sarah evilly as she tapped her foot by the door to the Hinata,"soon Keitaro will be gone and the Hinata will be mine! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Abruptly, a white ambulance roared up to the front door, and men in white laboratory coats shuffled out.  
  
"He's in there!" Cried Sarah, pointing inside. The scientists nodded and ran into the house. Moments later they were dragging a kicking and screaming Keitaro out the door.  
  
"HELP! LET ME GO! THIS IS AGAINST MY RIGHTS! HELP, SOMEONE HELP!" Keitaro was thrown into the van and it was preparing to drive off when the rest of the Hinata Sou's tenants ran to the scene of the commotion.  
  
"What in HELL is going on?" Demanded Naru. Sarah smirked.  
  
"These scientists want to figure out what makes Keitaro nearly invincible! I called them and informed them of what he'd survived, and sent them a video!" Kitsune looked thoughtful for a moment, but then tapped on the window of the van. The guy rolled down his window.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Excuse me, but you've got the wrong specimen. You were supposed to pick up the youngest sociopath on record, you see." The scientist looked thoughtful then smiled.  
  
"Sorry for the mistake!" The scientists all shuffled out and grabbed a shocked Sarah, while Keitaro managed to stumble out of the van just in time.  
  
"ARGH! NO, YOU DIMWITS! I'M NOT THE ONE YOU WANT! HE IS! LET ME GO YOU FOOLS!" Sarah was tossed into the van, and they drove off. Keitaro grinned happily.  
  
"THank you, Mitsune! You saved my life!" Mitsune smirked and rubbed her fingernails on her shirt.  
  
"Well, Sarah should have figured out that a psychological laboratory was the wrong institution to call..."  
  
  
  
*************  
  
I know, weird and pointless. Please, R&R on your way out though!  
  
And yes, I admit it, I despise Sarah. She's Naru, only there's no romantic interest so she just comes off as cruel.  
  
Meh, maybe I'll just go watch some TV.   
  
  
  
  
Notes  
1: If you didn't figure it out, Kitsune was reading a Lucy and Shroeder edition of "Peanuts". You know, the whole Lucy-flirts-with-Shroeder-by-leaning-over-the-piano-thing? ... No? I'm surrounded by uncultured barbarians! Fetch me the funnies!  
  
2: Sorry, I just had to make a Gundam Wing reference there. Besides, OZ would try anything against the Gundams once, right?  
  
3: I also felt a need to make a Star Trek and a Lord of the Rings reference (two new movies are coming out, after all!). Besides, I can really see Keitaro as a Starfleet captain. He manages the Hinata Sou without suffering a psychotic episode or becoming an axe murderer, after all. 


	2. 2

*** Totally Random Love Hina Skits!***  
  
Andrew Joshua Talon  
  
DISCLAIMER: Love Hina is not mine. Curses!  
  
******  
  
Well, here it comes. A sequel. I can't let some young upstart (cough)Shi(cough) get the best of me, now can I? ^_^   
  
******  
  
Keitaro Urashima, wearing the Virtual-kun helmet, walks around a cyberspace version of downtown Tokyo. Deciding he wants to look cool, he's donned a pair of dark sunglasses, a leather jacket, black T-shirt, jeans, and boots.  
  
All in all, he was one happening guy.  
  
"Man, this is SO awesome," Keitaro grinned, experimentally doing a few impressive gymnastics routines, "just like the Matrix! SO cool..."  
  
"Hey Keitaro! We're supposed to be studying, not wasting time in cyberspace!" Groused Naru Narusegawa, appearing in the simulation. Keitaro stopped short, and sighed.  
  
"Ah, c'mon Naru! An hour or two won't make any difference." Naru snarled, stalking towards the former three-year ronin.   
  
"It's that kind of slipshod attitude I'd expect from a slacking pervert like you! Now, GET A LOAD OUT!" Abruptly, a third person joined the simulation, a young male with messy white hair and black eyes, in a grey suit and sunglasses.  
  
"Hello, Miss Narusegawa. I believe your time has run out." The simulation pulled out a gun and shot several rounds at the red cockroach, who shrieked and ran for her life. Naru, unfortunately, didn't watch where she was going, and ran into a truck, falling cold on the ground.  
  
"Hey, stop that!" Yelled Keitaro, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a gun of his own. Keitaro fired several shots, which the agent dodged effortlessly.  
  
"Is that the best you can do, Mister Urashima?" The agent fired at Keitaro, who bent over backwards and dodged the bullets, the bullet time catching his moves quite nicely.   
  
"It appears I've underestimated you, Mister Urashima," the agent stated, running at Keitaro and firing his gun all the way. Keitaro also charged, firing his handgun. The two met in mid air, exchanging blows at hyperactive speed, flipping and dodging and punching. All this was captured with the magic of bullet time.  
  
  
  
POW!  
  
"WAAAAAHHH-DOH!"  
  
Especially the odd thud Keitaro's skull made against a lamp post. The agent strode over to the side of the dazed manager.  
  
"I'm going to enjoy killing you, Mister Urashima," the agent snarled, pulling Keitaro up by the scruff of his neck. He then dragged Keitaro over to a busy street nearby, and prepared to throw him into traffic.  
  
"Hear that, Mister Urashima? That, is the sound of inevitability. That, is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mister Urashima. Your idiocy has sealed your fate."  
  
"You've Got Mail!" The agent blinked, and looked over his shoulder. Shinobu Maehara stood there, holding a laptop and a gun. And a seriously scary expression on her face.  
  
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! The agent fell dead (more or less) into oncoming traffic, being run over by a Mercedes. Keitaro groaned and looked up at Shinobu, who was watching the agent's "corpse" with uncharacteristic malice.  
  
"You can wear bad suits, you can threaten people, you can even shoot at Narusegawa-sempai. But NO ONE HURTS MY SEMPAI! YOU HEAR ME, B*TCH!" Shinobu shrieked. Keitaro's eyes shot wide open.  
  
"Sh-Shinobu-chan?! What the heck's gotten into you?" Shinobu blushed, and looked at her feet.  
  
"I'm-I'm sorry, Sempai. You've saved me so many times... and..."  
  
"And now you've saved me! Thank you! But, why were you so angry?"  
  
"W-Well, Kanako-sempai taught me to vent my frustration by violently killing the people-based programs who screw up her assassination attempts, um... So... Oh dear..."   
  
"I thought that guy looked familiar..." (1)  
  
********  
  
Hanging upside-down from the ceiling of her room, Suu typed on her laptop happily, eating a banana she was holding in her foot.  
  
"Mmm! Suu love bananas! Bananas and C++! Perfect combination!" Kitsune enters the room, and looks up at Suu in curiosity.  
  
"Suu? What're you doing up there?"  
  
"Oh, just hacking into NORAD. I'm gonna blow up the ISS!"  
  
"But... Why?"  
  
"It sucks! Suu build better station!" Kitsune nodded, biting her lip, before walking out the door muttering, "I think I'll steer clear of this place for a while..." (2)  
  
*********  
  
"Hm..." Mused Andrew Joshua Talon. He was soaking in one of the Hinata's men's hot tubs, in his weretiger form. Contrary to popular belief, the tiger, largest member of the cat family, enjoys swimming and water in general. And, given that Talon was part-tiger in this form... Enough said. Next to him, in another tub (to dissuade any doubts about my sexual orientation ^_^*), Keitaro looked over at the weretiger quizzically.  
  
"Hm... What?" Andrew unsheathed one of his claws and picked his teeth.  
  
  
  
"Well... Why don't we just use Mister Sex Chamber to change into girls, so we can use the women's bath? Because, quite frankly, our baths suck." Keitaro looked at the crudely-built tubs himself, and sighed, nodding his head.  
  
"That they do. However, Suu destroyed Mister Sex Chamber, remember? And besides, I don't exactly have a particular WANT to become a girl."  
  
"Oh yeah... Bummer." Keitaro gave Andrew a probing look.  
  
  
  
"Aren't you infamous for getting yourself turned into a girl every month or so?"  
  
"Hey! It's not MY fault! Last time it was Suu's fault! I mean, sheesh, give me a fricking-" Keitaro held up a hand to stop Andrew's rant.  
  
"No no, I mean, wouldn't YOU know how to change us into girls? Not that I want to, I'm just curious..." Andrew blinked, twitching his ears thoughtfully.  
  
"I doubt it. All those times were accidents. I mean, sheesh! It's not like Suu and Sarah are going to run in here and change our sex right now!"   
  
It was, at this moment, that Sarah and Suu dashed into the room, fired a weird ray gun at the two guys, and ran off giggling. A pair of bright flashes obscured the shocked males.  
  
In their place (once the light subsided), a slim, silky weretigress sat in one tub, blinking, while a young, lithe girl who looked rather like Haruka sat in the other tub, blinking. They looked at eachother.  
  
"... Well, look on the bright side. Unless Kitsune's gone bi, I think you're safe to collect the rent this month."  
  
"You are so dead, tiger-girl..." (3)  
  
**********  
  
"But, really! Who looks better in sunglasses? Keanu Reeves or Seta?" Kitsune earnestly asked the other girls in the hot springs. Naru shrugged, while Motoko and Kanako looked indifferent. Mutsumi played with Tama-chan while Haruka smoked.  
  
"Seta, definitely. I mean, he's got other things going for him to back it up, of course!" Naru stated. Kitsune waggled an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, really? What sort of 'things' are we discussing here, hm?" Naru blushed at the implication, but glared her way through it.  
  
"Oh, shut up, you pervert! It's nothing like that! What do you think everything I said to Keitaro about it was all..." Naru trailed off, holding a hand to her mouth. Kitsune grinned, closing for the kill.  
  
"Hm? What 'everything' did you relate to little Keitaro, hm?" Naru was spared further humiliation by the entrance of a weretigress and a young, slightly-familiar looking girl in towels. All of the females looked up and stared.  
  
"Er... Hello, ladies," said the weretigress uncertainly. "Mind if we join you?"  
  
"Who the blazes are you?" Asked Motoko gruffly. The human girl took a deep breath.  
  
"I'm Keitaro, that's Andrew. We got turned into women."  
  
A few seconds later...  
  
"COME BACK HERE, YOU TRANGENDERED PERVERTS!"  
  
"I told you they wouldn't accept us! But did you listen?! Oh, but of course NOT!" Screamed Keitaro as she ran through the hallways, clutching her towel as she tried to outrun Motoko, Naru, Kitsune, and Haruka, with everyone else following out of curiosity, not anger. Andrew leapt from wall to wall like a bouncy ball, staying slightly ahead of Keitaro.  
  
"I did listne! I just attempted a leap of faith! Give me a FRICKING break!"   
  
"I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK!" Screamed Naru from behind. The former boys sweatdropped as they ran still faster.  
  
"Some bath, eh?"  
  
"SHUT UP, KEITARO!" (4)  
  
********  
  
"Heh heh heh heh heh..." Kentaro Sakata chuckled evilly, surveying the Hinata from a small bush on the grounds. In his hand, he held a small air gun, with a scope on top.  
  
"All I have to do his hit that baka Keitaro with a dart of this love potion, and he'll fall like a Middle Eastern dictator for the first girl he sees! Who will NOT be Naru! And then, my Goddess of Unstable Temperament will be MINE!" Kentaro cackled evilly, as he looked through the scope. He watched the halls of the Hinata he could see eagerly, hoping for a single shot. He saw a door open! Urashima stepped into the light!  
  
"HA! DESTINY, EAT MY TAILORED UNDERGARMENTS!" Kentaro shouted, firing. The dart, however, missed, thanks to Keitaro ducking back into the room at just the wrong moment. The dart thus hit the door post, bouncing into the room. A cry of surprise announced that the dart had made contact. Kentaro watched apprehensively.  
  
A rather girly scream announced Keitaro's exit of the room, running for his life. Behind him, the samurai girl Motoko, looking rather lovestruck, ran after him while yelling something about "How she wanted him to make her a woman".  
  
Kentaro sighed. It was going to be a long day... (5)  
  
*********  
  
NOTES:  
  
1: Yes, in honor of the Matrix: Reloaded, I decided to let Keitaro have a little fun. And yes, Kanako-sama, that WAS Kana (or, at least, an agent program you wrote based upon him) whom Shinobu killed. Sorry. Please don't kill me. The idea of a Love Hina/Matrix XOVER has already been used, but oh well.  
  
2: The US space program sucks. We'd have had MARS bases by now, if it weren't for the (bleeping) short-sighted leaders of our country! Not that I'd like the people on the ISS to die, but we need a freaking better program for space research!  
  
3: (shrug) Meh. Couldn't resist a self-insert. Sorry. I just always thought that something missing from Love Hina was a true, male best friend. Face it: Beavis and Butthead make better friends than Haitani and Shirai, and Seta's just a little too old to truly understand the situations facing Keitaro. So, yeah, in my weretiger form, I fill the gap. Excuse me for trying to help a potential friend (in another universe, I guess).  
  
4: Connection to 3. Poor Keitaro. Poor me. Poor walls ^_^ Inside joke, BTW...  
  
5: Ah, a young stalker hard at work. Now on the Kei/Naru situation:  
  
Personally, I don't HATE Naru. She's actually quite an attractive woman (again, in another Universe according to quantum theory, but oh well), and has a number of good things going for her. However, she also has a great deal of emotional insecurities and self doubt plaguing her.  
  
It is merely my observation that this is the basis of her relationship with Keitaro. Naru was stressed out: A new stepfather, a new younger sister, insecure about being a woman after all that studying and no socializing, scared about entering Tokyo U-and a myriad of other fears. She needed a punching bag. And she found Keitaro.  
  
Some people claim that this relationship between Naru and Keitaro is love/hate, the traditional anime way. My observations don't point that way, I'm afraid. Love/Hate implies a balance. There's too much abuse being handed out by Naru to Keitaro to compare it to any other such relationship in anime. Even the relationship between Akane and Ranma is more balanced than this. Akane doesn't use Ranma as her punching bag, she just ridicules him and hits him when he truly deserves it. Ranma gets back at her with words, flirting with other girls, and pranks. They have arguments, tease eachother, etc. Stuff like that.  
  
Keitaro never deserves the punishment he gets from Naru. He's far from perfect, but he doesn't deserve getting beat down like THAT. Naru needs a vent she can use safely, and whenever Keitaro fails to live up to HER expectations, disappointing her, she lets him have it. Whenever he gets close to another girl, she panicks, because she doesn't want to lose the one person she can take her anger out on.   
  
Keitaro, meanwhile, has trapped himself in his 'promise'. He's denied it in the manga, but it seems likely part of him clings to the idea of Naru being his promised girl, and guides his actions therefore. His 'love' for Naru is part boyhood crush (he's never had a relationship with a girl like this before, after all), part abused-abuser relationship (why won't a girl leave her abusive boyfriend? Precisely this phenomena), and part true friendship and gratitude. And, even if Naru tones down the abuse towards the end of the manga, it's still there, and given the situation, after they're married, it seems likely Naru will step the punishment up even more. Her fear that Keitaro will leave her will grow within their marriage, as the singular nature of marriage seems to promote cheating. At least, in Naru's mind. She'll thus become more abusive, more paranoid, more brutal. Hopefully, Keitaro can break out of this "happy marriage" before it's too late, and confront Naru with her abusive nature. One thing that did NOT get resolved in the manga.  
  
This is all purely my opinion, of course, though not without merit. However, I don't want to engage in a flame war. So, please, don't turn the reviews into a debate board. Just tell me what you thought of the fic.  
  
But enough hot air. Sorry if I bored you with the above notes. Next chapter will be much better, I promise, with far shorter notes. And, if any of you wonderful authors want to be in it, just ask! R&R, please! 


	3. 3

*** Totally Random Love Hina Skits!***  
  
Andrew Joshua Talon  
  
DISCLAIMER: Love Hina is not mine. Curses!  
  
******  
  
(sigh) Great, I'm doing requests. Who do I look like, Elvis?  
  
Mutsumi: Ara... Perhaps, with the right clothes and hairstyle, you could be The Weretiger formally known as Elvis! ^_^  
  
Talon: Gee, thanks Mutsumi.  
  
******  
  
"(sigh)"  
  
"Hey, c'mon Keitaro! Buck up! Don't be down in the dumps! What's the problem?"  
  
"(sigh)" Talon rolled his large green eyes at the depressed-looking ronin. The weretiger wrapped his tail securely around a beam above him, and hung upside-down from the ceiling, looking Keitaro in the face.  
  
"Yo, Keitaro! I'm here, alright? I'm your bud! Tell me what's wrong, and maybe I can help!" Keitaro sighed, then looked up at Talon.  
  
"I asked Naru to go with me to a rave club tonight...And... I don't have anything COOL to wear!" Keitaro lamented. Talon sighed, shaking his head.  
  
"All right... Question one: Why did you ask Naru anyway?" Keitaro blinked, then gave Talon an expression as if the weretiger had gone mad.  
  
"Uh, because I love her?" Talon gagged at this, holding his hand over his mouth, struggling to keep down his lunch.  
  
"Blech! Dude, dude, dude... (sigh) How many times do I have to TELL you? How many times MUST we go through this? Why do you want to get with a psychotic-Wait, wait, nevermind. It doesn't matter," Talon sighed, shaking his head. Keitaro shot the weretiger an annoyed look.  
  
"Hey! Naru's not psychotic!"  
  
"Then explain her mood swings, violence, and paranoia," Talon quipped. Keitaro fell silent.  
  
"Uh..."   
  
"Ha!"  
  
"Shut up!" Talon shrugged, grinning.  
  
"All right then, Keitaro. You want to go to Hell, well... I can't say I'll support it, but I shall support you. Therefore, we will require the assistance of Nueva-chan, my big sister." Keitaro blinked.  
  
"Well, why can't you loan me some cool clothes?" Talon acquired beady eyes as he looked at Keitaro.  
  
"Dude, look at me. I'm a weretiger. The only clothes I need or *want* to wear are Walmart jeans and a T-shirt, capiece? Well, and underwear. But no matter. To Nueva-chan's home!" Talon declared dramatically, grabbing Keitaro by the neck and throwing him out the window.  
  
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Talon leapt after him.  
  
"Fly, you dummy! Fly!" Keitaro, amazingly, screeched to a halt, in mid-air. He opened his eyes, and looked down. He was, indeed, hovering.  
  
"Holy..." Talon landed in a cat-like crouch gracefully next to him, smiling.  
  
"See?" Keitaro blinked, and shook his head with a sigh.  
  
"So that's why I go into orbit."  
  
"Well, DUH. Why else do you think I could fight Naru hand-to-...er... paw, and get away with it without dying? If she could really send things into orbit, I'd be dead now. Now, here's a map to Nueva's house," Talon said, handing a map to Keitaro with a grin. The flying ronin looked it over curiously, while Talon waved his tail back and forth.  
  
"Huh? You're not going?" Talon shrugged.  
  
"I... Um... Have some things to take care of here. But, hey! Nothing for you to worry about, my fine feathered friend! Off you go!" Talon gave Keitaro a little push, and with a nervous smile Keitaro flew off into the distance. Talon rubbed his hands... paws... whatever, together with an evil smile on his furred face.  
  
"Excellent, excellent... Everything is going according to plan... Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA-!"  
  
KONK! Talon was hit in the head by a rather large boot.  
  
"MEEEERROOOOOWWW!"  
  
"Shut up, you mangy cat!" Bellowed a certain red cockroach from her window. Talon snarled up at the apartment.  
  
"Oh, just you wait, bitch, just you wait... Hey, Narusegawa?! Can we talk?!"  
  
********  
  
LATER, THAT NIGHT...  
  
"Well, I have to admit, I look pretty damn good!" Keitaro grinned, now flying in a pair of black pants, a white turtleneck, black jacket, and black boots. He landed silently in an alley nearby the rave club, and calmly walked out to the sidewalk. He whistled happily, scanning the crowd for Narusegawa. However, he was stopped short.  
  
"What the-?" At one side of the building, Motoko Aoyama stood, dressed in a stunning blue dress that showed off her lovely body very well. Her hair was tucked back in a ponytail behind her, as she looked around, waiting for someone.  
  
At another, Mutsumi Otohime stood, in an adorable white sweater, red skirt, knee-high black boots with matching hose, and a cute blue beret on her head. She smiled happily, also scanning the crowd.  
  
Near the edge of the crowd going into the club, Kanako Urashima stood, decked out in a midnight tank top, with a pair of off-white jeans. She patiently watched the crowd.  
  
Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno, in a nice, barely-decent red dress, leaned seductively against a light pole.  
  
Finally, standing at the curb, a nervous-looking Shinobu Maehara, in a dark blue skirt and white blouse, also looked into the crowd.  
  
"Sempai!"  
  
"Urashima!"  
  
"Onii-chan!"  
  
"Keitaro!"  
  
"Kei-kun!" Keitaro blinked, as the girls rushed over and met him.  
  
"We're here, like you wanted us!" Shinobu said, a bit nervously.  
  
"So, are we going to party or not?" Kitsune asked.  
  
"Uh... I don't..." Keitaro was interupted by a letter being dropped into his hands.  
  
Extremely confused, the poor ex-ronin opened it up.  
  
'Dear Keitaro,  
  
  
  
'Terribly sorry, but Naru told me to tell you that she couldn't make it. She got tied up in an emergency, you see, and this was the fastest way I-er, she could think of to tell you. Through me, that is. (grumble) Making me run all the way across town... Anyway, enclosed inside this envelope is enough money to take care of whatever you might need. Have fun!  
  
  
  
Talon  
  
PS: Please, for the love of GOD, do NOT ask why.   
  
Keitaro blinked, looked over at the eager tenants, then shrugged, pulled out the money, and shoved the letter into his pocket. He then grinned.  
  
"Well, whose ready?"  
  
*********  
  
ACROSS TOWN, IN A DEEP, DARK CAVE...  
  
"HELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!" Screamed Naru Narusegawa in terror (rather than in rage) as she struggled in the slimey restraints she was sealed in. Coming closer, and closer, and closer to her, a gigantic, slimy monster turtle stalked, it's hideous mouth open, it's disgusting yellow teeth covered in drool.  
  
"MYUUUUUUUUU..." It rumbled, licking it's chops as it prepared to eat the redhead. Naru screamed, and struggled some more.  
  
"HEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!! SOMEBODY!!! ANYBODY!!!"   
  
"LANCE CHEESE PELLET ATTACK!" Several sprays of cheese slammed into the turtle's hide, hard as bullets. The turtle roared, and looked over it's shoulder. A young, 14 year old boy with short, spiky brown hair, blue jeans, and a black hoodie stood, holding floating globs of cheese menacingly in his hands. Next to him, Talon stood, with his claws extended and his fangs bared.  
  
"Sheesh Lance, that was very CHEESE-sy!" Talon quipped, grinning. Lance Waymire rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh ha, ha ha, so very funny."  
  
"Aren't I, though? Alright, let's go for my plan! ATTACK!" Talon ran at the turtle at breakneck speed, diving underneath the slow beast's belly. Lance threw more cheese pellets, as well as some cheese bombs. The turtle was not amused.  
  
"MYUUUUUUUUU! BLARGH!" The turtle spat a large amount of green goo at Lance, which he barely was able to dodge.  
  
"YEOW!" The turtle prepared to lunge at Lance, but then began to shudder violently. The turtle began to rise into the air! Lance blinked.  
  
"Eh? A giant FLYING turtle?!" The turtle slowly "flew" over to a deep chasm, and finally fell in.  
  
"MYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!" The turtle's cry faded away. Panting where the turtle had "jumped" off, Talon wiped his brow.  
  
"Wow... That... Guy... Was... Fricking... Heavy!" Lance sighed, and nodded.  
  
"Man, how heavy was that guy? Actually, how much can you lift?" Talon, still a bit exhausted (from lifting a turtle the size of a bus), tried to think.  
  
"Um... I... Never... Really... Thought... About... It... I mean... I can... Lift... Seta's van without... Much trouble..."  
  
"I'd estimate that that turtle was at least five tons in weight," stated Naru from her slimey restraints. She did some figures in her head.  
  
"Which means... Wow Talon, you ARE really strong!" Talon shrugged.  
  
"Meh... Least I saved you, right?" Naru shook her head, closing her eyes with a sigh.  
  
"I don't see why you didn't just let him eat me. You hate me, right?" Talon rolled his eyes.  
  
"Look, Naru: I don't HATE you, so much as I get really angry at you. You don't have to call me a freak, you know. Or pick fights with me." Talon involuntarily shuddered.  
  
"OR, use me as your stuffed animal when Liddo-kun goes missing." Naru bowed her head.  
  
"Hm... Maybe I don't... Hey! Can you get me out of this slime? We can talk about this later, after all..." Talon slashed the slime chains away, and helped Naru walk out of the cave. Lance shrugged, before turning toward the deep chasm. He brought out a suitcase filled to the brim with $20 bills. He then left it at the mouth of the chasm.  
  
"Pleasure doing business with you," he called down, turning and heading out. Below him, there was the sound of a very large turtle laughing.  
  
************  
  
Keitaro was working on the finance sheet for the Hinata in his room when a knock came from the door.   
  
"Coming!" The manager got to his feet and slid his door open. Outside stood Naru, dressed in a form-fitting kimono. Having since gotten control of his perverted tendencies, Keitaro warily surveyed the eighteen-year old.  
  
"Um, what can I do for you Naru?" Naru smirked in a sultry sort of way. She undid her kimono and let it slide off, revealing her nude body, making Keitaro's eyes bulge out as a nosebleed began in earnest.  
  
"You could help me with my sexual needs," she uttered, moving towards the panicking Urashima with a wink.  
  
"Wh-wh-what?" Naru chose this exact moment to turn the corner, and saw... Herself, performing a striptease in front of Keitaro. She blinked, then snarled.  
  
"KANAKO! YOU MAN-STEALING WHORE!" Naru screamed, rushing at what she thought was Urashima's adopted sibling.  
  
"PREPARE TO DIE YOU-"  
  
Vmp! Naru froze in shock. She had gone right THROUGH the Naru look-alike.  
  
"-Bitch?" The nude Naru vanished with a final wink, and Mutsumi poked head out of the adjacent room with an innocent smile.  
  
"Ara, I had you fooled didn't I Naru-chan?" Mutsumi grinned, waving what Naru presumed was the hologenerator in the air.  
  
"Wh-What?!"  
  
"Ara ara, shame I couldn't put myself into the simulation..."  
  
*************  
  
The Hinata was serene, that day. Warm sunlight caressed that ancient (yet resillient) structure like a mother's hand, as birds chirped happily, and the trees waved slightly in a soothing breeze.  
  
KA-BOOM! This serenity was shattered, of course, by one of Kaolla Suu's Mecha Tamas. And this one was a particularly large model.  
  
"WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Screamed the residents of the Hinata. Keitaro ran with little, fainted Shinobu in his arms, alongside his sister Kanako, while an enraged Naru and Motoko chased Keitaro because of it. Kitsune ran for her life and her sake, and Haruka was carrying boxes of cigarettes in her arms. Mutsumi was no-where to be found, as Suu and Sarah cackled evilly over the mecha's intercom.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks to my new "Ten-Ten-Two-Zero" System, I have gone completely mad! And now we will destroy the world! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Laughed the two now-utterly nuts little girls. The Mecha-Tama's shell opened up in a multitude of places, revealing weapons upon weapons upon weapons.   
  
"PREPARE TO FIRE!" It was, in this instant, that a large discus slammed into the side of the Mecha Tama's head, causing the mighty robot to stumble.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Nice shot, Captain Anime!" Stated the fanfiction author known as Kebinu to Akal Saris, who caught the large disk on it's return trip. Both authors were decked-out in super hero-like costumes, Akal's akin to Captain America's, only with the Japanese symbol for "anime" on his chest, shield disk and belt buckle. Kebinu's costume was like that of the New X-Men's standard uniform, jeans with a black leather jacket emblazoned with a magnificent yellow "X". He also wore goggles, black gloves and matching boots. He clenched and un-clenched his fists, the gloves (and presumably the hands beneath them) transforming back and forth from cloth to pure white ice.  
  
"Thanks, Kebinu! Now, to battle!" With that, the two "superheros" began to furiously attack the giant robot. The residents of the Hinata watched -not in awe, persay- but in confusion.  
  
"... Huh? What the hell is-" Keitaro began to ask, but was cut off by a mechnical suit (resembling a white and blue Iron Man in appearance) landing gracefully before him and handing the already beleagured ex-ronin the unconscious Mutsumi.  
  
"We're just saving your asses. No big deal. Just call me "Mecha Man", " soothed FFML Tim from within the suit, before he jetted off and joined the attack upon the Mecha Tama. Everyone blinked, then stared at eachother.  
  
"What on-?" BOOM! A missile barrage was launched at the seven on the ground, and the "superheros" already battling the monstrous mecha couldn't hit the dangerous projectiles in time.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHH-" BOOM! A blast of blue energy hit one of the missiles and pushed it out of control from the septillo on the ground, while a black shadow "encased" another and sent it spiraling harmlessly into the woods. A young man decked out simarily to Kebinu (only wearing an X emblazoned martial arts gi instead of a leather jacket) leapt into the air and kicked another missile into one of it's siblings, destroying both. The final missile was brought down by a flying girl also in an "X" costume and Andrew Talon (also X attired, only what he was wearing appeared to be pajamas), leaping and smashing it in mid-air, causing it to explode prematurely.  
  
KABOOM! The person who had fired the blue energy shot, a young man (also adorned in "X", only also packing an elaborate cloak) joined his comrades, who all assembled before the giant mecha Tama.  
  
"Looks like we got here just in time," noted Chistopher Magician with a slight smirk. The living shadow collesced into a humanoid form, gaining pure white eyes that narrowed slightly.  
  
"Well, we would have been here sooner if someone hadn't dropped the map," Kana Himekazi sneered, the living shadow (aka "Anti-Pope") glaring at the writer of "Tales of the Rotten". Chris raised an eyebrow.  
  
"You're the one who complained about the huge amount of light all around, pal." The tiger-boy, Andrew Joshua Talon, raised his hand... paw... whatever, up to catch everyone's attention.  
  
"In case you didn't notice," Talon began," the giant mecha is still attacking. Perhaps we should forego this debate on tardiness and proceed with the mission?" The young floating girl, Mint, buzzed nearby with a kawaii smile on her face.  
  
"Ooohh! Talon-san is taking after the Beast in his speech patterns!" She squealed, shooting a small burst of gravitons at David Weiss, the one adorned in the martial arts gi. David narrowed his eyes as he was forced to dodge the tiny but potent blast.   
  
"Kana, can you tell your girlfriend's annoying little sister that I'm NOT for target practice purposes?" The mutant master of martial arts complained. Kana's stark white mouth opened, revealing a thin smirk.  
  
"Why not? After all, you are my enemy. A supporter of Naru Narusegawa, the red haired banshee of Hell." David growled, taking a fighting stance. His powers were, after all, being able to mimic (and ultimately master) any fighting technique used against him in a matter of minutes. Kana smiled unpleasantly, preparing to shift into the nearby shadows so his power would be increased by a hundred times.  
  
"Enough! It's time to go, right now, and save the world. You two can fight it out later, damnit! Unless you'd like to see how probable it is for one of you to drop dead right now?" Chris snarled, his hands beginning to glow with repressed quantum energy. Both combatants glared at eachother, before backing off.  
  
"Good. Now that we're all going to act MATURELY, let's attack!" And with that, all of the authors began the assault.  
  
"Chris! Hit the mecha's legs from behind! You too, Mint!" Shouted Akal, or "Captain Anime", as Kebinu had jokingly refered to him as. "Talon, David, FFML Tim! Hit the big guy in the front of the neck! Kebinu, slip him up! Kana, standby!"   
  
Chris, known as the Magician for his ability to alter the laws of quantum probability, blasted the Mecha Tama's legs  
  
from behind, causing the giant robot to wobble. Mint, being able to alter her mass and the mass of other things at will, shot a bolt of greenish energy into the Mecha's legs as well, causing the Tama to lose it's balance. David and Talon leapt and kicked the Mecha Tamago in it's head, along with Akal's shield and Mecha Man's energy blasts, as Kebinu iced the area under it to remove the beast's purchase on the ground. With a shuddering groan the giant turtle robot fell onto it's back, making the ground shake for a mile around as it's shell was crushed under it's own tremendous weight.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHH! SUU'S FALLEN AND SHE CAN'T GET UP!" Screamed Suu over the suit's megaphones. Akal ran as fast as he could to the head of the Mecha Tama, Kana slinking behind him. The "Flag Man" cracked open the Mecha Tama's cockpit with his shield, tearing the hyperactive Indian Girl out and heading off. Kana grabbed Sarah in his dark grip, the bratty blonde protesting for just a moment before Kana's expression silenced her. Kana slithered off, Sarah in hand.  
  
"NOW, MINT!" Mint rubbed her hands together, before sticking her tongue out the corner of her mouth in concentration. She pumped as much anti-graviton energy into the Mecha Tama as she could before the whole thing glowed bright green, and began to float away into the sky. Mint started to pant, leaning againt her dark sensei for support as the Mecha Tama began to reach critical altitude.  
  
"I believe the time calls for destroying the offending mecha?" Talon suggested, glaring at the floating Tama in mild disgust. As if on cue, two blasts of fire lanced out and connected cleanly with the giant turtle, causing it to burst into flames and vapor. Talon shook in mild shock for a moment, before turning and looking over at two other authors, smirking in matching red outfits.  
  
"Skyrocket?! Axel Terizaki?!" Indeed, the two authors grinned back at the tiger-boy, juggling fire.  
  
"Hey, couldn't let you guys have ALL the fun!" Axel smirked.  
  
"Catch you later!" Added Skyrocket as they both vanished in a burst of flames. Talon blinked, rubbed his eyes with his hands, blinked again, and finally shrugged as he leapt from tree branch to tree branch idly. Oh, well...  
  
The crew of the Hinata had, by this point, been shocked into silence by the "super" spectacles going on. Akal Saris leapt down, holding Sarah and Suu in his arms. He handed them both to the already-over taxed Keitaro, now groaning under the weight of four girls.  
  
"All in a day's work, citizens! See ya!" Akal stated, before running off at full speed for a black jet in the distance. Everyone else in his "merry" band joined him (aside from Talon, who lived at the Hinata anyway) and the plane lifted off silently into the morning sun.  
  
"... What the hell just happened?" Asked Naru.   
  
"... I have no frigging idea..." Answered Keitaro quietly, finally setting Mutsumi, Shinobu, Suu and Sarah down on the ground. Haruka, just then, showed up, smoking away. She looked at the chaos and then she looked at Keitaro.  
  
"Wild party get out of hand again, Keitaro?" She asked. In response, of course, was a mass sweatdrop.  
  
"Talon! What was going on?!" Talon leapt into the clearing, smiling at the assembled throng.  
  
"Um... Housecleaning?"  
  
*****  
  
I know, lame. And long. Give me a break, I'm trying out random things (hence the title ^_^) Next chapter will have less author interaction, and focus more on the characters.   
  
NOTES: Meh, make up your own minds! R&R, please! 


End file.
